He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
