he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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