i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
