the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
