I am spending my child support on dildos
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
