I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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