Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
