His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
