I accidentally burped into my bong.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize