i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
