i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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