Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
