Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize