I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
