my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
