She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
