I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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