Moan for me like Helen Keller
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
