I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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