Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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