How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
