Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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