So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
