it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
