Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
