Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
