In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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