dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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