Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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