It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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