Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
