I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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