dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
