just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize