remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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