I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
