If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
