I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
