I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
