i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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