Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
