just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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