ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
time to smoke my breakfast
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize