SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
