Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
