You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
