Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
