the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
