My hand turned me down
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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