I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
