I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
