ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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