i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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