Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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