I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My ATM looks so different sober.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
