and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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