There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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