you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
