Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
