filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
we're so committed to being not committed
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
