On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
