Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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