Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
