My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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