if i can run in heels then i can drive
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
