A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
