You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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