i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
