i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
