hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
