Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
