I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
