his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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