HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
