Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
