I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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